it was one of those days yesterday, the kind that set you off thinking about everything.  

driving to a job in napa, i kept thinking how lucky i am to have this place be the backdrop of my life.  

when we got there,  i realized that most of the party guests were people i've always looked up to and wanted to meet, the people i hope to one day call my colleagues (though i guess writing is a pretty solitary life).  i met and saw so many amazing people--it was out of control!  

(((((but then i felt all weird because i was the hired help.  the fact of the matter is, no matter how much you're getting paid to be there, no matter what you do in your time off, no matter how long you've been cooking or whatever sort of illustrious career working at fantabulous restaurants you've had, you're still the hired help.  you will never make or have as much money as those people, and you will always just be the help.  i think just the simple fact that they can afford to hire you, you who are charging so much to be there, makes it worse.  blech.)))))

and then i stabbed myself in the hand.  i need new knives, badly.  the first knife i ever bought was a fancy german deal (before i knew better).  it was an 8" chef's knife.  now, it's a 6".  i've flown through paring, boning and bread knives, too.  i wish i  just had a moment to go to the knife shop, but between work and going to get my butt kicked at the gym, i have no time.  except for the rare sunday.  but the knife shop is closed on sundays.  oh well, soon....