scribe winery, sonoma, ca :: july 2010

one of the most important things i've learned from my yoga practice is to search for the good in everything; it's always been my natural tendency to do that, which is one reason that tantric philosophy sits so well with me.

the thing is, looking for the light can't come at the cost of ignoring or denying the dark.

i always want my focus to be on what's beautiful, especially in the work i put out into the world, but sometimes i worry about coming off as too shiny-happy. the truth of the matter is, over the past year i've encountered such depth of beauty in my life that i could've never imagined it, while simultaneously uncovering layer upon layer of crap in my physical and emotional self. ugh.

so much effing crap.

i also worry, because from the outside, i think things must look so peachy. i don't want to seem like an ungrateful bastard. i mean, i have this great gig that's getting all of this press, my backbends have opened up like crazy, folks i've spent the past ten years idolizing are now turning to me for advice and friendship, and my bff is somehow patient enough to not only listen to all of my neuroses but actually offer sane advice that makes a difference in how i live my life.

but there's a flip side--one where the key words are struggle, pain, breakdowns, loneliness, money-worry, overwhelmed, and disorganization.

every day is filled with parts of both.

for now, my practice has become this: to be grateful for everything lovely, and to make space for the ugliness and let myself be okay with not being perfect (or being imperfectly perfect, as my teacher calls it), for not being perfectly healthy and happy, or perfectly on time, or perfectly together, or frankly, perfectly nice.

it's harder than it sounds.