Refrigerator, 1957

More like a vault--you pull the handle out
and on the shelves: not a lot,
and what there is (a boiled potato
in a bag, a chicken carcass
under foil) looking dispirited,
drained, mugged. This is not
a place to go in hope or hunger.
But, just to the right of the middle
of the middle door shelf, on fire, a lit-from-within red,
heart red, sexual red, wet neon red,
shining red in their liquid, exotic
aloof, slumming
in such company: a jar
of maraschino cherries. Three-quarters
full, fiery globes, like strippers
at a church social. Maraschino cherries, maraschino
the only foreign word I knew. Not once
did I see these cherries employed: not
in a drink, nor on top
of a glob of ice cream, or just pop one in your mouth. Not once.
The same jar there through an entire
childhood of dull dinners--bald meat,
pocked peas and, see above,
boiled potatoes. Maybe
they came over from the old country, family heirlooms, or were status symbols
bought with a piece of the first paycheck
from a sweatshop,
which beat the pig farm in Bohemia,
handed down from my grandparents
to my parents
to someday be mine,
then my child's?

They were beautiful
and, if I never ate one,
it was because I knew it might be missed
or because I knew it might not be replaced
and because you do not eat
that which rips your heart with joy.

--Thomas Lux

tidbits

this weekend, after meeting the perfect xiomara carmen and coming home empty handed, i decided that it's finally time to make a move and get a digicam. no more of this wishy-washiness.

my current favorite piece of art is La Battaglia di San Romano by Paolo Uccello. he was totally the first guy to play with perspective, and check out how cartoony those front horses are!

i got some lovely paper garlands from tail of the yak today, where i also met the woman who does much of the beautiful calligraphy for cp that i've long admired.

i made some very intense brownies last night. they are delicious, if not complicated. i'll post the recipe soon.

this week, i've made it my goal to make some caramel corn. i'll post that incredible recipe, too. it's really time consuming, though.

i'm cold cold cold. good thing i have my trusty hot water bottle. we've got to figure out how to turn on our heater soon.

Sea of Faith

Once when I was teaching "Dover Beach"
to a class of freshmen, a young woman
raised her hand and said, "I'm confused
about this 'Sea of Faith.'" "Well'" I said,
"let's talk about it. We probably need
to talk a bit about figurative language.
What confuses you about it?"
"I mean, is it a real sea?" she asked.
"You mean, is it a real body of water
that you could point to on a map
or visit on a vacation?"
"Yes," she said. "Is it a real sea?"
Oh Christ, I thought, is this where we are?
Next year I'll be teaching them the alphabet
and how to sound words out.
I'll have to teach them geography, apparently,
before we can move on to poetry.
I'll have to teach them history, too--
a few weeks on the Dark Ages might be instructive.
"Yes," I wanted to say, "it is."
It is a real sea. In fact it flows
right into the Sea of Ignorance
IN WHICH YOU ARE DROWNING.
Let me throw you a Rope of Salvation
before the Sharks of Desire gobble you up.
Let me hoist you back up onto this Ship of Fools
so that we might continue our search
for the Fountain of Youth. Here take a drink
of this. It's fresh from the River of Forgetfulness."

But of course I didn't say any of that.
I tried to explain in such a way
as to protect her from humiliation,
tried to explain that poets
often speak of things that don't exist.
It was only much later that I wished
I could have answered differently,
only after I'd betrayed myself
and been betrayed that I wished
it was true, wish there really was a Sea of Faith
that you could wade out into,
dive under its blue and magic waters,
hold your breath, swim like a fish
down to the bottom, and then emerge again
able to believe in everything, faithful
and unafraid to ask even the simplest of questions,
happy to have them simply answered.

--John Brehm
i've gotta say, i really love the new caffe trieste in west berkeley. the coffee is some of the best in berkeley, and the baristi know how to steam milk. plus, they toast bagels in the panino machine. and, it's between my home and my work. perfect.

i've been loving the new site from mightygirl: mightygoods (via megan), though it looks like there are some editing bugs to work out. i love sites about stuff.

hey, tak, check this site out. i hear it's pretty cool.

also, i am obsessed with these tamara henriques wellies. why are they so cute?

auguri

congratulations left and right to the people who i love:

j and g for making the move toward home ownership

d and c for their lovely 7 lb., 15 oz., 19.5 inch baby girl, xiomara carmen, born yesterday afternoon! i can't wait to see her this weekend. she's got black hair and black eyes, and i just know she must be beautiful. yay for babies!

and a, for rocking the lsat. even though you haven't gotten your score back yet, i know that you did amazingly.

i woke up sometime in the early morning and couldn't fall asleep again because of the constant rainfall. that, and i was worrying about how in the world i'd be able to get everything together for my lasagne today.

i reprimanded myself for thinking about work when i ought to be sleeping (and on a day that i was supposed to have off, but, spineless jellyfish that i am, i agreed to cover for another cook who missed her flight back from middle of nowhere texas), and managed to fall somewhat asleep to the pitter patter of the rain.

when my alarm went off, it was still pouring, and i got fully soaked on my way to the bus stop even though i had my subway route designations umbrella to protect me. i love the rain, and i don't even mind getting kind of wet. i just don't want to get soaked every morning from now until april on my way to work. so i decided to go get a raincoat after work. and i did.

meanwhile, at work, i freaked out about how to get all of the stuff for my lasagne together. i'd made and rolled out the pasta the night before, so all i'd have to do in the morning was cook it. but i still had eggplant to roast, currants to soak, and pesto, besciamella, and tomato sauce to make. not to mention two other dishes to take care of by 11.30 am. it was a mad rush, but somehow, i made it. the lasagne was nice, but i wasn't 100% satisfied with it. these composed dishes are so scary, because you spend all of this time making all of the separate elements, and then you put them together and stick them in the oven for an hour. you have no clue what it's going to taste like--will it be too dry, or bland, or just gross?--until you pull it out and taste it. and if there's anything wrong with it, too bad. you've just got to live with it. ack!

the only thing you can do is try again tomorrow. and i am. tomorrow, we're having good old regular lasagne, just like at the rosticceria. yum.
The Country

I wondered about you
when you told me never to leave
a box of wooden, strike-anywhere matches
lying around the house because the mice

might get into them and start a fire.
But your face was absolutely straight
when you twisted the lid down on the round tin
where the matches, you said, are always stowed.

Who could sleep that night?
Who could whisk away the thought
of the one unlikely mouse
padding along a cold water pipe

behind the floral wallpaper
gripping a single wooden match
between the needles of his teeth?
Who could not see him rounding a corner,

the blue tip scratching against a rough-hewn beam,
the sudden flare, and the creature
for one bright, shining moment
suddenly thrust ahead of his time--

now a fire-starter, now a torchbearer
in a forgotten ritual, little brown druid
illuminating some ancient night.
Who could fail to notice,

lit up in the blazing insulation
the tiny looks of wonderment on the faces
of his fellow mice, onetime inhabitants
of what was once your house in the country?

--Billy Collins
sabrina ward harrison's reading the other night was lovely, and i'm so happy i managed to get myself there. she was the firefly of my evening, lighting up so much for me. i'm especially grateful to her for what she does for so many young girls. i'd like to do something like that one day.

i came home and decided to invite her to be my friend. i already wrote a letter to her and everything, i just need to find an address to send it to.

i've been struggling for a while, trying to find the energy, the motivation, to write, to consciously sit down with the goal of being creative. i know it's not simple, and i won't be able to just start cranking out beauty at a whim, but i thought that it might be nice to surround myself with poems i love. i thought i'd start posting some of my favorite poems from time to time, at once giving myself a little burst of inspiration and sharing a little bit of myself (for isn't what i love just another small insight into who i am?) with my friends.

so, with that thought, here is:

Wild Geese

You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
for a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile, the world goes on.
Meanwhile, the sun and clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and rivers.
Meanwhile, the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting--
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things.

--Mary Oliver

entry for jen

so jen, i really am going to see sabrina ward harrison tonight at diesel books in oakland. i know you're married and have an organized life and all, but i'd love to have you join me there if you find yourself with nothing to do.

after the most awful day at work ever yesterday, i went to a yoga class at the gym. but i was confused when i looked at the schedule and ended up at a fast-paced ashtanga class where i was flopping around like an inflexible fish out of water. sometimes, i really wish i had a camera taping me at yoga so i could come home and watch myself and laugh, laugh, laugh until i fall asleep.

well, when i got home i realized that i might not even have to work today, so i called up the restaurant and they told me that indeed, i have the day off. so mostly, i've been sitting around applying chapstick to my lips. but i did get some treats this morning from the new la farine on solano. now, i'm just motivating myself to get some work done for the book people. i'm waaaaaay behind.

i was going to look for all sorts of exciting links to stink on here to aid you in procrastinating the rest of your workday away, but maybe it's more important to hurry up and post this.

by the way, that comments box is still stuck in italy.

aimless surfing finds

yum. i saw this last week when i was researching white trash recipes. it's kinda cute.

101 cookbooks. i remember finding this blog when i was in italy. well, here it is again.

chocolate and zucchini. well, now that i'm noting all of the food links i've not yet noted, i may as well just add this lovely one, too, that i am sure everyone already knows about. clotilde is marvelous.

craftster. forum, blog, ideas. now i want to do iron-ons and knit all of a sudden.

knitty. speaking of knitting...

thriftdeluxe. check out the grater lamp.

toothpaste world. check out the whiskey toothpaste in the highlights. but there's no marvis!

by the way, i love target's red hot shop.

too many zinc lozenges

my throat hurts, and i think i am getting sick. yuk.

DR's baby is upside down, and so she had all sorts of emergency doctor's appointments scheduled today, so there was no surprise party. i guess you just shouldn't ever try to surprise a pregnant woman. she's stuck at home, so we dropped off some of the food for her, and i'll take her the presents on my day off. hopefully, she won't have to have a c-section.

my roommate wants me to let everyone who reads this know that i am not as nice in person as i pretend to be on my blog.

what a coincidence? i just saw this hostess wedding cake linked to at megan's site.

amazing.

i made stracciatella soup on sunday and monday (i leave out the semola. i used to add it, but i think it's so much nicer without it. i don't think it necessarily needs the nutmeg, either. i usually just add a little black pepper). i love love love that soup. it's my favorite soup. today, i made stracciatella gelato. i love love love that gelato.

i'm thinking of applying to csj for next year. i feel like i should just get it out of my system.

now, i need to heal.
saturday, i had the great luck of seeing all sorts of wonderful people i don't get to see very often. first, there was ET at the farmer's market, where i also saw charlie, who swears that he is well on his way to opening his place soon, and chris i don't know his last name. we also saw annabelle, of star route, who is on her way to italy in a few weeks to terra madre. practically every farmer i know, actually, is on his or her way to terra madre, which sounds great.

later, i went to DR's next baby shower with S-lo and later met up with P&P, who had just left the love parade and so were quite jolly. we went to the lovely samovar tea-fe? tea place? tea lounge. it was just so nice to see those guys, who i love so very much, but don't get to see enough. that's pretty much how i feel about all of my friends.

yesterday and today, i've been trying to get everything ready for the white trash party tomorrow. the menu is extensive, but it includes sloppy joes, frito pie, ho-ho pie, mexican jello, tapioca pudding, mac and cheese, and iceberg lettuce with blue cheese salad. i found some red and white checkered tablecloths, too. the onesies and everything else are wrapped with this really great paper i made out of some fingerling potatoes which i cut in half and dipped into ink. i was far too lazy to actually make stamps out of the potatoes, so it's basically a lovely polka dot theme. oooooh, i really wish i had a digicam right now.

i have to go to sleep. but be proud, i made it to the gym today!

blood, salad, and candy

i sliced my left index and middle fingers open at work today, and they still won't stop bleeding, and it's making typing this post very interesting. it's all because yesterday i looked at my hands and thought, "wow, i haven't cut or burned myself in a while."

my new yorker finally came, and i am really happy about it. now i just need to find the time to read it. i'm actually afraid to check my email right now because i just know that there are going to be lots of angry emails from people to whom i owe work. how can it be that i work 5 days a week, just like everyone else, and i am so tired? i know i stand up all day, and that most of my days involve intense heat, stress, and long hours, but i am still way more exhausted that anyone i work with. i'm just a weakling.

i did salads today, which i don't do very often, and i really liked it. my favorite salad was this lovely little gem lettuce (kinda like mini romaines) dressed with this thick pounded anchovy vinaigrette, with torn croutons and lots of parmesan cheese. it was like caesar, but lighter and fresher and just plain good.

and i think that they are going to let me make little riso sartu' dishes for sunday dinner. yum. now i just have to think about what i want to put inside. yum. yum. yum.

some things that don't have to do with food:

i forgot to link to my lovely cousin's write-up on dailycandy a few weeks ago. she rocks.

other great links from dailycandy include mobissimo, a new travel search engine, flavor paper from flavor league--just like in willy wonka, jelly and anchovy stationery, moon tree arts letterpress cards.

also, i just decided that i am going to go to sabrina ward harrison's booksigning in oakland on 12 october at diesel books. anyone wanna come with me?



doin' stuff

my neck hurts.

today i made an excellent pineapple upside down cake with maraschino cherries and everything for dr, who is pretty much 9 months pregnant. it was her last day at work, and the cake and amazing bib from porch light were just a decoy, trying to distract her from the fact that we are having a surprise party for her next week. a white trash surprise party. heh.

i got a bunch of onesies and iron-on letters and wrote all sorts of funny things on them, like "eccomi" and "grump." and i saw this cute egg carton of socks on red envelope--a site that's great for ideas but far too expensive to actually buy anything from--and made up a little version of my own. if you can't already tell, i am very excited about this. i also assume that she doesn't read my blog and that's how i dare write about it here.

i've started knitting again--the gloomy fall weather just made it seem right. and somehow, i've gotten myself motivated enough to actually do some of the work that's been hanging over my head for so long: i'm taking care of some recipes for the restaurant, and some work for this slow food thing i am helping a friend with, and yes, i'm even getting back on the book train.

i can barely believe it.

mini update

i've resolved to beat this funk, this fatigue. i've started to take b vitamins, and i joined a gym (mostly to do yoga, but i even rock climbed--if you call my weak scrambling climbing--today). i have a lot of work ahead of me this fall and winter, and i want to do it all well.

i got to spit roast this week--chickens with herbed ricotta stuffed under the skin. after dropping two spits of chickens into the coals, i kinda got the hang of it. kinda.

after the crazy rains last sunday, i realized that i might not be able to make it through the winter without a car after all. but i'd really like to try. i guess i'll just have to wait and see. all i have to say is that it wasn't fun getting soaked on my way to the bus stop and then getting splashed from head to toe by a speeding tow truck when i finally got there.

i bought myself a little present that i am really excited about: this little radio, which, along with my ipod, makes for a great (and extremely cute) system.

i'm happy to report that stuff with the book seems to be moving forward. it should be out in fall 2005. look for me in your local bookstore! maybe they'll even have us do a book signing tour. but before any of that happens, i have to do some more work on the gardening portions, so expect some frantic calls, AK. not that you'll answer your phone or anything.

my favorite foods these days: eggplants roasted in the coals with mint, sicilian chicken salad with pine nuts and currants, and watermelon granita with lime.

good eatin'

my roommate, when i see her, is the recipient of much good food.

last night, we had a most excellent dinner of pounded veal chops with butter and lemon, crispy fingerling potatoes, and spinach. yum.

we also made some excellent roasted pepper hummus with the peppers from our farm box.

and this morning, i woke up and made her french toast with the cinnamon-currant bread i got from acme on saturday.

i'm just happy to have someone who'll eat what i make.

i'm starting to work a few nights a week, which is exciting. i was just getting tired of all days, and the food we make at night is so much more sophisticated and delicate. plus, i want to learn to use the spit roaster.

also, i am pretty sure i'm not going to new york, sadly (not enough time off, not enough energy, not enough money to go twice, so i'd rather go once when i can take care of all of my business there). but maybe someone will tape dario's appearance on the today show for me....