mango!!!


mango stall, originally uploaded by _gem_.

buttery, sweet manila (aka champagne) mangoes are here. i've been buying them by the dozen at monterey market for the past few days because....

tomorrow my food chain class is coming over for dinner and we're having pho and sticky rice with mango.

let's just say i've been frequenting ranch 99 lately.

two families



my mother is perhaps the strongest willed person i know. and because she had a big hand in raising all of her own siblings, i think she was prepared to be a mom in a way that few are. she knew exactly which values to instill in us, and did so with an iron fist. probably the most important one to her, and now to me, is the role of family in one's life.

all throughout my childhood, she told me and my brothers to stick together, and how important her own strong relationships with her siblings have been. we were to always protect and stand up for our family, and to respect our elders.

my family thinks i ran away, that i escaped. i didn't. they think it's premeditated. or that staying here is a way of saying i don't want to be near them. it's not.

coming to berkeley was a fluke--it certainly wasn't what i wanted for myself, and i was really unhappy for a long time once i got here. but it was the best compromise we could come up with, so i took it. and after a year or so, i started to make a place for myself. i made friends, and a certain twist of events led me to become a (small) part of something grand--a different kind of family, one whose reach extends to places i'd never dreamt of.

somewhere along the way, i must have done something right to get the chance to become a part of cp. i think about that a lot. the effect it's had on my life is huge, and words fail me when trying to describe it. the only other people who understand are ones who've been through the same thing. there are so many eccentricities and idiosyncrasies when it comes to that place, so much politics and rampant emotion. but there is also camaraderie, understanding, and the feeling that you are around people who will take care of you.

i've never tried or wanted to run away from my own family, and as i watch my parents take care of their siblings and parents in difficult times, i know that those responsibilities will one day fall to me, and i'm prepared for that. it's the cycle of life, and i will be happy and proud to care for and comfort my parents and brothers when the time comes, but in the meantime, i want to follow my own path and see where it will lead me.

as much as i wanted to dwell on my great disappointment last month, i wasn't able to for more than a couple of days. i sprung directly into action, and have made some promising leaps. i've surprised myself with my emotional maturity, and focusing on what is possible takes away much of the pain of past failures.

another responsibility i feel is to myself to not take the easy way out: i want to get where i want to go on my own merits, not by milking the cp name for all it's worth. there are so many amazing and endlessly entertaining stories about what's gone on in that place, but they aren't my stories to tell. i am proud to have been a part of cp, and i want it to be proud to have had me be a part of it.



some of the most amazing people in my life have stepped out to help me do what i want to do since my disappointment last month. i've got all sorts of exciting things cooking--in a way, it was a huge catalyst for me to stop thinking and start doing.

and, since i took that photo class, i've learned how to take better advantage of the cheapy lens i already have. i wasn't able to get photos like this from it on demand before, and now the blur is working for me, not the other way around. i heart the blur.

worries


would i be me if i didn't worry myself so much that i can't sleep?

i don't think so.

i remember the day i realized that i couldn't get out of bed without cataloging my worries each morning.

i worry for hours, until i tire myself of it and drift off to sleep, only to wake up in the middle of the night so i can worry some more.

i find myself clenching and grinding my teeth more and more often.

i wish it weren't so.

have i inherited this, is it a cultural legacy that's been left to me? my parents and grandparents had to leave their homes in the middle of the night--has spending a lifetime tracing their scars created some of my own?

my physical therapist told me that i am the biggest empath she's treated in twenty-five years. i always want to know what's brought the other patients there, and every time i end up hating insurance companies and evil corporations, wanting to hug these strangers and tell them they'll be okay. i want to tell them not to give up, that they'll regain the use of their hands, to keep fighting for what they deserve. i want to give them hope when they have none.

but what about me? what about my hopes? will i be okay?

i'd rather worry than leave it to chance.

kumquats


kumquats, originally uploaded by Kim Denise.

ten years ago, i could have spent an imagination and a half trying to dream up a path for myself, and i still wouldn't have come up with anything close to what has been.

in some ways, the despair and dizziness i am plagued with at the moment isn't so different than the way i felt then, facing an unplanned future. and i'm pretty darned proud of everything i've been a part of, accomplished, seen, and so many people i've come to know since then. so i guess i'll just have to remind myself of that every time i start to spiral into sadness--you can never know what awaits you, you can only welcome it with open arms.


...................

The Guest House

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they're a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.


~ Rumi ~



last week i rented this incredible portrait lens (i think it's fair to say that i am obsessed with portrait lenses) from looking glass photo for our trip to the monterey bay aquarium.

since i have some major issues when it comes to wanting to buy every doodad i see anyone else using, i tried to ground myself and see if my amateur-level skills were enough to take advantage of a piece of equipment that costs half as much as the camera itself. i rented it for $25 for the entire weekend, and shot about 500 photos over the course of two days. it was totally, totally worth it.

i also signed up to take a basic photography class this month, which will do me a lot of good. i have this weird thing where i don't want to admit i'm a beginner, so i convince myself that i'm good enough for intermediate or advanced classes. then i realize i'm hallucinating, and really bad at math. maybe if i'd have stayed in the high math classes, i'd be a better photographer. why don't they ever tell you that kind of stuff when you're trying to figure out a way to get out of math in college?

i do have a little photo wishlist, though, and here it is:

portrait lens
camera bag
wide angle lens
dream lens
flickr pro account


but i promised myself that i wouldn't spend any big bucks on camera gear before i learn how to take full advantage of what i already own, so for now, those things are going to stay right there on that wishlist.

conscious eating


chanterelles from the market, originally uploaded by Lara Ferroni (Plates & Packs).



another of my new year's resolutions, and perhaps one of the most challenging, was to stop eating at restaurants that aren't guided by (at least some of) the principles of sustainability to which i try so hard to adhere.

this means, essentially, no more ethnic food. which is so, so sad.

i'd go to such great lengths to buy everything organic/sustainable/whole and nothing processed/artificial/hormonal/antibiotic-laden for both myself and the restaurant, but then turn around at eat at la taqueria or binh minh quan. well, no more. i just can't do it without feeling disgusting.

and so, for my benefit and yours, here is an ever-growing list of restaurants (etc.) in the bay area where one can eat with a clear conscience:

restaurants i love and/or eat at often:
eccolo
cp downstairs and cafe
cafe fanny
picante
noodle theory
nopa
tacubaya
sam's log cabin
big sur bakery
sweet adeline
gioia
delfina
pizzeria delfina
fish
cheeseboard
oliveto
slanted door
out the door
boulette's larder
breads of india
tartine bakery
ici ice cream
della fattoria cafe
terzo

restaurants that fit the bill but to which i have never been, or have not visited in over a year:
pizzaiolo
quince
incanto
foreign cinema
ubuntu


please help me add to this list by leaving suggestions!


i'm going to have to sit down and write all of the opportunities i've been offered on one piece of paper, all in a row. so many of them are amazing--things i couldn't have imagined for myself five or ten years ago (people want me to help them start grand projects, to join them as partners in their non-profits and for-profits, to move to the country to organize farm programs, to write books for and with them, and so much more). it's just that none of them are the one i just missed out on--the one i've poured so much of myself into for so long, the one i knew i was more qualified for than anyone else.

i have to let myself grieve for this before i can begin to be truly excited for what i decide to do next.

plan b


it's time for plan b.

one of the most difficult things about this setback is that to get what i want to get done done, i'm going to have to do a lot more legwork, and we all know how lazy i am.

plan a was easy, prestigious, and had a built-in time line to get me where i needed to be.

plan b is going to be a lot more work.

i think i'm ready for a trip to new york.


monday morning is farm gossip time: when i was placing my order with full belly this morning, i asked them if they've seen a significant increase in their csa program since mp's book new book came out.

they said that they can barely keep up with the requests to join.

hello, people? when he said to support local food networks, he didn't mean the only one out there is his...

om organics has a list of fabulous csa programs in the bay area. i used to have one from riverdoggy, but working in a restaurant, with the late nights and of all the on-the-job eating, i never managed to finish one box before the next one came.

csa boxes are a really economical way to get the right kinds of foods into your diet, and support local organic agriculture. (and krikri, there are a lot of really great ones available in new york, too. look here.)

in honor of your birthday



because i love you so very much,
and because you are the best birthday rememberer i know,
because you always manage to get a card to me on my birthday,
and yet somehow i can't ever get my act together enough to do the same for you:

kelly, melissa, spanish and french/octet tryouts/everyone i met my first year in berkeley was in love with you, and with good reason/you taking me and melissa to san pablo ave./ oh, the drama with kelly/ melissa and i got you that strange wwf thing for your birthday out of sheer randomness/nursing your first true broken heart/ london, nice, monaco and italy/ those panini/ tweezing hairs on the beach/ coming to san diego--the answering machine/ YOUR ACCENT!/ you were the one who led me to cp/ the slides/ japan, italy, spain, new york/ working together in the kitchen (and amazingly we are still friends)/ trips to the farm/ walking out on the berkeley pier/ late summer dinner on the porch/ beehouse teapots!/ just so much randomness--you warm my heart.

you are so much more than i could have ever dreamt for in a friend--you let me be my truest self with you, and i hope that i do the same for you. i love you. happy birthday.