ego

have you watched dan barber's ted talk from taste3 about foie gras?



it's not so much dan barber that interests me here, but something that the goose farmer says about chefs.  it was the best foie gras of dan barber's life, so much so that he doesn't think he'll ever serve foie gras again in his own restaurant because nothing he can get in the states can come close to tasting like that.  

db says to him,
you're in spain.  some of the greatest chefs in the world, ferran adria, the preeminent chef of the world today--not that far from you.  how come you don't give him this?  how come no one's really heard of you?....
and he said, 
because chefs don't deserve my foie gras.  and he was right.  he was right.  chefs take foie gras and they make it their own.  we create a dish where all the vectors point at us.  with eduardo, it's about the expression of nature, and as he said, i think fittingly, it's a gift from god, with god saying, you've done good work.  simple.

this man, eduardo, a man i may never know or speak to, has spoken the words i've always been thinking.  so much of what goes on in kitchens is about ego (not to mention machismo)--it's frustrating to be around it all of the time.  i've come to prize humility in cooks and chefs more than most traits, and every single day i wrestle with letting go of ego in my own cooking.  i like to make delicious food not for the credit, recognition or praise, but simply because i like to eat delicious food.  

i like to make evenly golden potato cakes, for example, because it's a challenge, and because i want to improve my technique as a cook with every single task i take on, and because i want everything i make to be right, and i want to do right by the farmer who grew that potato, and by the potato itself.

i've had the privilege of cooking alongside some really amazing people, and have had many years to come to these realizations.  but as a writer, i am still young, and though i have some incredible people helping me along my path, i haven't had the time or experience to shed ego in the same way in my writing.  but i am trying very hard to stay true to myself, and to write what i think needs to be said instead of pandering to what i think will be gobbled up by the masses.  and in the long run, i hope that that brings me closer to where i want to be.

it's time to look back at this year's resolutions and see how i did.  and time to start thinking about my goals for next year.  

well, i didn't really make a boo blogs folder, partly because i got a new computer, and partly because i was way busier this year than ever before and didn't have the time to hang out with any boo blogs.  but i did avoid them for the most part, so i'll give myself a check on that one.  

i didn't cut out my sugar to once a day, but i DID cut it wayyyyy down.  no more sugar in my tea, and a LOT less desserts.  almost no white flour, either, which is something i'd have never thought i'd be able to do.  

i took absolutely no steps toward working on my thyroid probs.  oops.

nor did i read understanding exposure.  but i did take a photography workshop.  

and i published articles, have more coming out next year, and am pitching a huge dream article...so i definitely got that ball rolling.  

not only did i not leave the country, i didn't even leave the state.  yikes.  oh well, i had a good time in this state, if that counts for anything.

and the food journal lasted about as long as my hand therapy did, into march.

so empirically speaking, i ffffffailed on my resolutions.  but overall, 2008 was a great year for me, with writing, and cooking, and with my health, something that i was too self-conscious about to even mention publicly last year.  but my gym, yoga, orthotics and physical therapy have changed my life for the better, and i hope to only get stronger, more fit, and better at the sports i practice in the next year.  


{{{{{edited to add: i also just saw this post, which was basically an addendum to my resolutions. so, let's just check that out too, shall we?

i said that i wanted to be healthier and stop eating at sketchy ethnic food places, which i TOTALLY accomplished, even though it was really hard.

i don't spend any less time on the internet, but i do go to bed and wake up earlier, and i do way more than go on a walk every morning. i get anaerobically beaten up 4-5 times a week, ride my bike around, and go to yoga twice a week. i think i should get double points for that.

as part of my gym program, i've largely cut out the white stuff and replaced it with brown stuff. for a long time, i wasn't eating any sugars at all. i've fallen off of that a bit, but plan to go back to that way of eating in january. i drink a ton more water, and have replaced most chemically stuff in my life with natural stuff. so CHECK!

i don't read more, or listen to more music. and i don't write on a daily basis, i didn't to the artist's way or morning pages. but, i did write a lot more. and i think i was nicer to people this year. }}}}}


coming soon, my favorite things and moments of 2008 and resolutions for 2009.  



tiger

my first car was a gold 1989 volvo 240 sedan that melissa named tiger, as in "whoa, tiger," which was something she said a lot when i was learning how to merge onto the freeway.  i brought it to berkeley in my senior year, by which time i was pretty interested in jazz.  one thing led to another, and i began to name and label parts of the car after jazz musicians.  here's the complete list:

thelonious trunk 
miles per hour davis (the odometer)
lena horne (though i now realize it could have just as easily been hornette coleman)
bill heavens (the ceiling)
charlie parker (parking brake)
dave brubacker (reverse light)
john coltransmission
chet baker (heater)
digby fairweather (i admit this one was a stretch--windshield wipers)


(i love this memory for its silliness and creativity.  i want to try to be that person for the rest of my life.) 

have i mentioned...







...that our current cooks (plus ryan) make up my favorite group ever?  i wish i had photos of them all.  if you're wondering why i'm so happy these days despite how much i've been working, it's because i love the people i work with.  a lot.

i've worked less and been really unhappy, so it just goes to show what a difference the people around you make.   
i don't know when i started 
believing what the guru told me

in the stark, sun-streaked
dining room 
of my khaleh's white
house in malibu

i don't know if i believe it now

two februaries ago, i 
sat across from a toothless man
i did not exactly trust and
let him read 
my palm

he quickly noticed 
the nine-year old
scar, raised and white,
as i rushed to describe
the dull mandoline, the
fennel bulb

he traced his withered fingertip
over my hand as he told me
what 
my future holds.  

everything he said was powerful
beautiful
and full of hope

it was everything
i'd hoped a soothsayer
might tell me one day

but all i could do when he
was done
was go downstairs
and cry.



brillat savarin

(this one looks like it could be a bit warmer)

let's digress (though i suppose everything on here is a digression) for a minute to talk about a type of cheese other than good old semi-aged basque sheepsmilk.

i present you: brillat savarin.

jean anthelme brillat savarin was the original food-writer, or one of them at least, and he famously said, "a meal without cheese is like a beautiful woman with only one eye."  so in the 1930s, a norman cheesemaker named henri androuët named this incredibly rich triple-creme cheese after him.  his son pierre continues making the cheese to this day.  

it's basically like butter, but better.  or imagine ice cream as cheese--then, you might get a sense of the butterfat involved.  there is no cheese with a higher percentage of butterfat.  that about sums it up.

after overdosing on double and triple cream cheeses in 1998 (that came wrapped in plastic, but i can't even talk about that right now.  ugh, the horror and disrespect.  i ask you--what did that poor piece of cheese do to deserve such abuse?  whole foods cheese counter, i almost cry every time i walk by you (sorry megan)), i have stayed away from anything that even remotely resembles brie, until a few weeks ago when a little nubbin of brillat savarin appeared on the back table at work.  i snooped a bit, and avoided the cheese in part because it was still cold.  later, when everyone was snacking and making yummy sounds, i decided to see what the big whoop (wup?) was and tasted some on a piece of stale levain.  

i nearly died.  

next thing we knew, 7 wheels from two cheesemakers showed up on our doorstep (okay, so maybe i ordered them).  we all like the one from delin the best.  one day, though, i'll have to make it to an androuët shop for myself to taste the real thing on a slab of bread from poilâne.  

for now, i'll just eat it with young walnuts and acme levain.  



quickly before i go to sleep

first of all, i just want to make sure that everyone took a look at danielle pergament's lovely article about spanish cheeses, with a special nod to semi-aged basque sheepsmilk cheeses.  

this bit was perhaps my favorite:
We were in the foothills of Picos de Europa, where everything is vertical: the sheer mountain faces, the steep pine trees, the skinny roads dotted with tiny cars nervously hugging the shoulders, flocks of sheep perched on the rocky lands, lone goats standing expertly on their hind legs munching from a thicket of low-hanging leaves, a cacophony of cowbells and beams of sunlight warming it all.  Cheese country.
you don't encounter lyricism like that in the nyt every day.  especially not since johnny apple passed away.




secondly, (parents, plug your ears): the pig dinner with jude becker was amazing.  nights like last night are why we do what we do: having the place full of our friends, farmers, cooks, butchers--people we love and respect--is indescribably hedonistic.  jude had a lot to do with the piece i just wrote, and i'm really happy that he's enjoying such a warm reception around here these days.

thirdly, i have some goooood ideas in the works for pieces i want to work on.  i'm thinking big here, and even though i know i might be let down, i'm going to hope for integrity and good juju from all sides.  if things work out, 2009 will be awesome.  

also, check out veller's awesome cuban sandwiches made in a really, really old waffle iron.  with a ham from her own pig and homemade pickles from her own cukes, naturally:



i so should be asleep right now, but cannot turn off my mind.

piggy thoughts, bike thoughts, stretching thoughts.  yikes.

1.  i'm really excited about my next piece--it's gonna be a good one!  i lurve playing devil's advocate.

2.  my new year's resolution (ok, so i'm working ahead) is going to be to bike more, drive less.  even to work, even to the market, even to the gym, even in the dark, even all over the place.  right now, i try to not drive one day a week.  maybe eventually, i'll get to the point where i do drive only one day a week.  besides the environment, let's face it: i'm cheap.  and, i want to exercise more, and differently, and use different muscles than we use at the gym.  and, i want to stretch out my legs and work on my alignment, and cycling is all good for that.  plus, after all of these months of mostly anaerobic exercise, it's time for some good ol' cardio, and since running is out of the question, cycling is IT.  

so, i've been spending a ridiculous amount of time googling bikes and searching craigslist, but unfortunately, i know nothing about parts or doodads or metals or anything.  that's where cycling friends come in, and luckily, around here, they're a dime a dozen.  it sounds like i'll probably end up having a bike made for me, but that could take some time, which is why i had to get on the resolution train early.  

3.  turkey: i'm so over brine.  but cut the effing legs off, people, and braise them!  or roast them separately, at least.
     pork: so loving brine.  brine makes any cut of pork better.  even really old, tough pork.  
 
4.  highlight of fullerton: yogurtland.  

5.  back on the high protein train.  trying to dump out sugar to help expedite the healing of my shoulder.  i tore a muscle in my rotator cuff and it's not pretty.

how do vegetarians--and even worse, vegans-- do it?  seriously, getting a sufficient amount of (lean) protein to just carry on through life is practically a full-time job for me and i LIVE IN A KITCHEN!  imagine if i didn't eat egg whites, or yogurt, or chicken or fish!  or turkey?!  what do those poor people do?  that much tofu will kill you.  and don't even get me started on the fact that pretty much every soybean outside of some very small areas in japan is GMO.  blech.

ok, i think i've sufficiently worked myself up to be able to fall asleep.  good night.





pork and beans in tilden park


ahhhhh....i'm exhausted, and have been trying to catch up on rest before a big push from here on out until the end of the year.  i've got a piece to turn in in a week, kermit lynch next saturday, then thanksgiving, december parties, christmas and new year's. 

throw in my injured shoulder (30 mins. of exercises a day), hip and ankle rehab (another 30 mins.), the gym, and physical therapy, and it's see ya next year, isn't it?

i've put aside my pull-up goal for now, since i haven't really been able to use my arm for two months, but i'm doing my best to ensure that i'm not losing any (or much) muscle in the meantime.  i'm gonna get that pull-up eventually.  

i'm really anxious to get my shoulder working again, because i felt like i was on the cusp of some really great physical accomplishments when it happened.  but having this injury has definitely made me focus on what i can do, and try to do those things better.  i also have come to terms with asking people for help, which is really hard at work because i don't want to seem lazy, but i just can't ruin my arm anymore.  

other random tidbits: bill niman was so appreciative of me and CL when we cooked up some of his turkeys a few weeks ago for a tasting that he decided to name his favorite hen and tom turkeys after us.  how awesome, right?!  bill's gonna have a turkey named samin!  (the obvious joke here is that there's already one turkey named samin, and this is gonna be the second.)

places i'd want to visit if i could go on vacation right now: 
oaxaca and mexico city (for the markets, chocolate, and street food)
nyc, with a side trip to new haven (to visit my friends)
hawaii (for some beach time with alice)
northwestern washington (to spend some time in a log cabin in the middle of nowhere with my friends)
istanbul (to see selen, and eat)
italy (to see old friends, eat, and watch them decorate the streets for christmas)

i've been loving eating: late-season tomatoes, fuyus, sierra beauty and rome beauty apples, butternut squash and sweet potatoes, martin's wild watercress, lambburgers at home, greek yogurt as usual, and i've been dreaming of canneles...

the tyranny is over

many people, from my parents to my oldest friends, questioned my giddiness over this week's news repeatedly over the weekend (oh, southern california--that is why i could never go back).  

here, in the words of the nyt's frank rich, is why:

"On the morning after a black man won the White House, America's tears of catharsis gave way to unadulterated joy.  

Our nation was still in the same ditch it had been the day before, but the atmosphere was giddy.  We felt good not only because we had breached a barrier as old as the Republic.  Dawn also brought the realization that we were at last emerging from an abusive relationship with our country's 21-st century leaders."


the runt.  10/26/08


as each year passes, i grow more and more grateful for the people i know, and more in tune with the old-fashioned way of doing things.  

since tuesday, i've felt a lightness inside i can't remember ever feeling, though in truth, it's probably just been a really long time.  this year has been wonderful for me, even with all of the obstacles and heartbreaks, and i couldn't have imagined a better gift from the universe.  

i'm really looking forward to the next year, and everything wonderful that i know will come with it.  the only thing i can hope for is to be able to see more of my family and friends...
i'm exhausted (i couldn't sleep last night and was up early worrying) and i haven't processed much of what this means to me, but i want to write something to capture the power of what i'm feeling tonight.

as an other, seeing obama elected is the most liberating, invigorating, empowering event of my life. 

there is honking and happiness in the streets, there is relief and freedom on my shoulders, and finally, finally, we have all let go of the breath we've been holding on to for eight long years.  

this is an historic night.  i'm so happy to have shared it with my second family, my friends.
i'm so nervous, and excited.  i'm paranoid, expecting mass voter fraud and hoping for a landslide so that the election can't be contested.

i'm freaked out, wondering how it is that we're all making plans for day to day life when tomorrow might be one of the most historic days of, well, uh, the last two hundred years?!

part of me thinks it'll all be over by the time i go to sleep tomorrow night (if i can sleep!), and another part of me is worried that it'll be going on for days, something ugly, something horrible.  

i haven't even let myself think about what it'll be like to have a president who's not a wasp.  i'd rather worry.  
i think i'm going to try to do nablopomo again this year.  

things i might write about:
physical therapy
jen
heritage turkeys
little piggies
salsa with dirty girl tomatoes
stretching
a reasonable life
dreams coming true
broken hearts (not mine, thankfully)
farm gossip (so hard to keep it all in!)
wish lists

until then, happy halloween!!

biofuel oasis fundraiser

that's bilbo on the left....



on the off-chance that you're in berkeley this thursday afternoon, want some $10-all-you-can-drink beer, and have a craving for goat tacos, you should come down to trumer pils on fourth street for novella and co.'s fundraiser for the new location of biofuel oasis.  

jerome and sam are making goat tacos and i'll be there with rice, beans and salsa.  it's all about local and homemade this time, as the goat is novella's own bilbo, sacrificed yesterday for a better cause.
so basically, i'm just not that into presents. might be a dangerous thing to say so close to my birthday, but it's true. i mean, of course there are some really fancy things (like that ridiculous il bisonte bag, some fantabulous camera lenses, and a mauviel jam pot) that i want, but really, i try not to want STUFF for the sake of stuff. my life is already so full of junk. blech.

so i was thrilled when i thought of what i really wanted for my birthday, and asked my parents for it: a new knife roll.

my mom made my first knife roll for me when i started cooking. she was taking an upholstery class and had access to some really heavy duty sewing machines. so we bought some crazy, thick canvas and trim, made a prototype, and went from there. that was WAY before italy (and before this blog). and since my knife kit has expanded exponentially with time, and i'm not exactly easy on my kitchen gear, it's just gotten to be time for a new roll. for the past year or so, my knives have lived in a purple cherokee tomato box from riverdog farm.

so i asked my mom to make me a new roll, even though i knew she doesn't have access to those crazy machines. i just planted to little seed, and she figured out a way to make it happen. so now, of course i want to pick out some coocoo fabrics and notions to make it be the coolest!!!! knife bag ever!!!!!

how about this lovely liberty fabric, or these cupcakes, or tomatoes?

between purlsoho, reprodepot and superbuzzy, the possibilites for cuteness are endless.