Paperwhites


Paperwhites, originally uploaded by schönwandt.




a friend brought me some paperwhite bulbs the day after my surgery. they're not quite to this point yet, but hopefully, when they are, i'll have the presence of mind to snap a photo or two of them.

i've been thinking a lot lately about my insecurities.

ok, who am i kidding? i think a lot all of the time about my insecurities.

three times (and twice very recently) people have told me that i use silliness and humor to avoid having to be my true self around people, and to distance myself from people.

it's completely true--i don't deny it.

on one hand, it's a protective measure--if i don't have a serious conversation with you, then there is no way for you to know what i am really thinking, what i am sensitive about, and there is no way for you to hurt me (or at least hurt me as severely).

and on the other hand, i feel like i am more in touch with my true self and my real emotions than most people i know, and more willing to share that part of me with people i trust. but that can make people REALLY uncomfortable. one of my dearest friends (and i think that some of you will know who i mean) cannot deal with my rawness. she actually, visibly, twitches with discomfort. it's a sacrifice for me to have to keep my true feelings from her, and it's set limits to our friendship, but i realize that it's something i have to do for her sake. it is mean to gush when i know she can't handle it. i won't do that to her.

i sometimes make jokes to avoid uncomfortable situations. the most tightly wound person i know is someone i love and respect a lot. she is one of the most critical people i've ever met, but also one of the most sensitive. sometimes, she says things i completely disagree with, but i can't disagree with her directly, because i know how much it would hurt her. i also don't want to agree with her because it would betray my own feelings too much, so i usually make a joke to lighten the mood or change the subject.

i'm so serious in my own head all of the time, i want to spare other people from that. i can't deal with all of my time spent with friends being as intense as the time i spend alone with my thoughts.

a friend (not the clairvoyant one i mentioned a couple of weeks ago, but one who i really do believe can see things on another level than most people) told me recently that i have inherited a legacy of worry, and that things don't have to be so hard for me. he said he can see right through my silliness to the reasons for it, and that i don't have to be that way so much.

it's good to know that some people are okay with the truth and intensity. it's scary, because there can be a lot of pain wrapped up in all of that. but if you can't ever be your genuine self around your friends, can't show them your grief, or pain, or sadness, then what is there?

december polls: at the market


radicchio, originally uploaded by ciaosamin.






annabelle's puntarelle and crazy sqaush

terra firma and riverdog carrots

full belly chocolate persimmons

full belly spinach

star route fennel

star route nettles

catalan cauliflower

dirty girl speckled romaine

riverdog red kabocha squash

woodleaf satsumas

flatland flower farm red roma apples

riverdog chard

tiny update


My favorite Laduree Macaroons, originally uploaded by chachahavana.

i have been obsessed with (photos of) laduree and pierre herme macaroons lately. too bad i can't actually have any for my afternoon snack on a rainy day like this.

we've been having some internet issues at home lately, so hopefully i'll be able to put up the post i'm working on this evening.

one cool thing: san pellegrino contacted me because they want to use one of my photos of c.lee's salami on their website (for some page about the typical italian christmas dinner). i'll let everyone know when it's up.

homemade gift: mulling spice sachets


, originally uploaded by hrsj713.

after yesterday's post about the teabags, i got a few requests for mulling spice recipes, so here's a quick how-to for that.

materials:
cheesecloth and twine or japanese teabags
jars, tins or cellophane bags for presentation
labels or ribbons for decoration

ingredients (get all whole spices, not ground):
ceylon cinnamon sticks
cloves
allspice
dried orange zest

for sachets that are a bit more exotic, you can use:
star anise (that's the beautiful star-shaped spice in the photo)
cardamom
tellicherry black peppercorns
candied ginger

for each sachet, use a 1/2-inch piece of cinnamon, 3 cloves, 4 allspice berries, and one strip of dried zest.

if you want to use star anise, be aware that a little goes a looooong way. for cardamom, crack 4 pods open and add them to the spices. for black peppercorns, use 4 per sachet. and one little nugget of candied ginger is plenty.

if you are using cheesecloth, cut 6-inch circles and place the spices in the middle of each round, then tie with twine.

if you are using the teabags, just stuff the bags with the spices.

put the sachets in jars, tins or cellophane bags, decorate with labels or ribbon, and you're good to go.

mulling spices are great for apple cider or red wine. if you are making mulled wine, you might want to add a bit of sugar to the wine when you heat it up. the great thing about the sachets is that you can make just one cup at a time, and don't have to wait for a holiday party to get the warmth of mulled drinks.

sources:
frontier for spices and herbs
whole foods also sells bulk spices and cheesecloth
tins from sks
ribbon from tail of the yak, paper source, or any fabric shop
last year, i used these key tags to label the packages
teabags
you can also try the t-sac

handmade gift: homemade teabags


who will find them.....what will they think ?, originally uploaded by gadjoboy.



last year, i had a ton of fun making all sorts of homemade teabags for the holidays. i drink a LOT of tea--i grew up in a tea-based culture--and even though i lived in italy and had all sorts of delicious coffee drinks there, i'll always be a teagirl.

materials:
teabags
teas
spices, if using
tins for packaging
ribbon, for decorating tins

simply buy loose leaf teas, herbal teas, spices and herbs and create delicious combinations.

i'd recommend packaging each type of tea separately, so the aromas don't get too confusing.

here are some suggestions to get you started:

--green tea with cardamom
--chai teabags with black tea, cinnamon, cardamom, ginger and cloves
--green tea with mint
--chamomile and lemon verbena
--green tea with jasmine
--green tea with ginger

sources:
frontier for spices and herbs
far leaves for tea
imperial tea court for tea
there is actually a decent selection of bulk loose-leaf tea at berkeley bowl, and also spices
indian shops like vik's usually have a good selection of loose leaf teas
whole foods also sells bulk teas and spices
and don't forget about the good old country cheese shop!
tins from sks
ribbon from tail of the yak, paper source, or any fabric shop
last year, i used these key tags to label the packages
i found my teabags at ichiban kan (there's now one in el cerrito!), but i've also seen them at daiso. you can also try the t-sac, which they use at tartine, and which i've seen for sale at elephant pharmacy.

p.s. you can also use the teabags to make pouches of mulling spices for mulled cider or wine....

Three of my favorite "Opposite" Poems by Richard Wilbur

1.
What's the opposite of nuts?
It's soup! Let's have no ifs or buts.
In any suitable repast
The soup comes first, the nuts come last.
Or that is what sane folks advise;
You're nuts if you think otherwise

16.
What is the opposite of actor?
The answer's very simple: tractor.
I said that just because it rhymes
As lazy poets do at times.

However, to be more exact,
An actor's one who likes to act
King Lear in some unlikely plot,
Pretending to be what he's not.

The opposite of actor, friend
Is someone who does not pretend,
But is himself, like you and me.
I'm Romeo. Who might you be?

39.
The opposite of opposite?
That's much too difficult, I quit.

yeah, i know i've got issues


takeoff over transamerica, originally uploaded by SF buckaroo.

i don't know if i can manage to write this story discreetly without being too confusing or general, so forgive me if i lose you somewhere along the way....

there is a big secret party happening soon somewhere about a 6-hour flight from here. it is for some really rich people (and i think if you know some of the people i work for from time to time, you'll know that when i say really rich, i mean really rich) and even though i'm not gonna tell you who the people are or what the party is, i will say that if you really want to know, you can easily figure it out with some savvy googling.

i found out that this party would be happening several months ago, and that pretty much every heavy hitter i know is making the trip to work it. in fact, if you are a bay area socialite planning a party next weekend, don't expect any good cooks or servers to be working, because every single cp-related caterer i know is going to be out of town, save one (in fact, things are so desperate that someone asked me if i wanted to cater a christmas dinner for a certain party planner to the rich and famous with a very jewish name. i wondered aloud, "isn't so-and-so jewish?" and then "isn't christmas at the end of december?" if you are wondering, i vehemently turned down that offer--no one's going to be around to help, and i can't/won't do something like that on my own, and one-handed).

anyway, i feel like everyone but me is going to work at this event, and that everyone but me was invited. i've been kind of depressed about it, even though there is no way i could go, with my hand, and my job. and frankly, i'd probably spend a lot of the time feeling belittled by some of the people there. i just wish i'd been asked.

when i told some of my friends who are going how sad i was at not being invited, they said that they weren't even invited, that they asked to go, and that everyone thought i didn't want to go. i kind of knew all along that if i'd told the people in charge i wanted to go, they'd have said yes, but in all truth, i just wanted to be invited so that i could say no.

favorites 12/1/07


My creation, originally uploaded by ciaosamin.





1. san francisco, 2. My favorite Laduree Macaroons, 3. paris_lauderee chocolat, 4. pear, 5. Untitled, 6. Untitled, 7. Atmospheric, 8. green shelf, 9. the real deal, 10. birch at 8 am, 11. looks like autumn, 12. same landing strip, 13. another bike of Bergen, 14. getting ready, 15. well …, 16. milky, 17. Untitled, 18. Sugar Candy, 19. elk, 20. helicopters, 21. tough guy, 22. preámbulo para cruzar una calle, 23. Jump, 24. B&W #14/>



flickr rules.

o


o, originally uploaded by Doctor Swan.

i'm annoyed. and stressed out. i was worried that my wound might be infected yesterday--the doctor said to wait a day or two and see what happens. i woke up this morning to a pus factory. really wonderful.

i went back to the doctor, and he took a swab. we'll see what happens. i think i just really have to stay out of the kitchen. ugh. it's a lot harder than it sounds.

i'm stressed because i haven't been spending enough time working on the gift project, and i need to be done with it this weekend. i want it to be really cool, but so far, it's basically a dud.

tomorrow is the "interesting" dinner. i'd been dreading it, but now i am just curious about how it's going to go. the good thing is that we're going to cp, so at the very least i'll get to see a bunch of my friends. and i'm pretty sure that there will be chocolate sprinkles involved at some point.

handmade gift: homemade marshmallows

chocolate warmth 1

, originally uploaded by

getthebubbles

.

who doesn't love marshmallows? uh...don't answer that. marshmallows can be a bit tricky to make. you have to have everything ready, and work quickly and neatly if you want them to turn out well. it may take a couple of tries to get it all to come together, but it's worth it. you pretty much have to have a stand mixer to make this recipe--i did make s'mores from scratch once when i was housesitting in canyon (anyone remember that?), but it was painful and took for-ev-er. i don't recommend it to anyone.

recipe from richard olney's

candy

book from the good cook series (my goal is to collect all of these one day).

ingredients:

2 cups (1/2 liter) granulated sugar

1 T (15 ml) corn syrup

1 1/2 (375 ml) cups water

4 T (60 ml) powdered gelatin

2 egg whites, stiffly beaten

confectioner's sugar, sifted

cornstarch

materials:

candy thermometer

offset spatula

cellophane bags (for wrapping)

ribbon (for wrapping)

over medium heat, combine the granulated sugar and the corn syrup with about 3/4 cup (175 ml) of the water. stir constantly until the sugar is completely dissolved. bring the syrup to a boil without stirring. increase the heat and boil until the syrup reaches a temperature of 260F (127 C)--the hard ball stage.

in another pan, soften the gelatin in the remaining 3/4 cup of the water for 5-10 minutes. set the pan over simmering water and, whisking constantly, dissolve the gelatin. add flavoring if using.

whish the dissolved gelatin mixture into the syrup. whisking continuously, gradually pour this mixture onto the stiffly beaten egg whites. continue whisking until the marshmallow mixture is a white opaque mass that is thick enough to hold its shape.

lightly oil a pan that is 12 by 8 by 1 1/4 inches (30 by 20 by 3 cm.) and dust the pan with a combination of equal quantities of confectioners' sugar and cornstarch. pour the marshmallow mixture into the pan, smooth it flat with a narrow-bladed spatula, and let it set for several hours. with a knife, loosen the marshmallow from the edges of the pan. dust a work surface with confectioners' sugar and turn the marshmallow onto it. dust the marshmallow thickly with confectioners' sugar, and leave it for one hour to let it dry and allow the sugar to form a crust.

then cut the marshmallow into squares or rounds.

variations:

--for chocolate marshmallows, add 3/4 cup of dutch process cocoa powder (i always use valrhona)

--for minty marshmallows, add a few drops of peppermint extract

sources:

juniper tree has cellophane bags

spun sugar

cellophane bags online

paper source has some lovely ribbon

get well soon


Soupe de poulet? (préparation), originally uploaded by Christophe Mendes.

i love this photo, with all of the fixins for a big, beautiful pot of chicken soup. look at those chicken legs wrapped with leek tops! so lovely.

everyone i know is ill right now--i've been narrowly avoiding getting sick by eating about five thousand mandarins a day. the best ones i've had have been from riverdog, monterey market, and woodleaf farm. i can't believe citrus is so sweet already.

a friend who claims to be clairevoyant (and another who claims not to be) both told me this week that they think my big project is going to pay off big time next year. i'm trying not to think about it. (my friends are on crack, by the way).



i had the best dinner (with the sweetest of my friends) at nopa last night. gosh, it was so good. everything was seasoned so perfectly. i only wish the broccoli had been cooked a little more slowly in the wood oven, but even as it was, it was delicious. and the mural by brian barneclo is bright and blocky--i could look at it for hours. if i lived nearby (and didn't work in a restaurant), i'd probably eat there at least once a week. so, so good.

sorry for the randomness....

hand update



i had a check up with my surgeon today--everything is healing swimmingly. in fact, i seemed to be more concerned about it all than he was (and i'm not that concerned). he told me to massage the scar to break up the scar tissue and when i asked him how often to do it, he said that he usually tells people to do it as much as they can without being obsessive-compulsive about it.

i might have a problem with that since i'm totally ocd.
i really tried to stay out of the city this weekend, but then found out my friends are visiting from out of town, and i realized that i really need a coat (right now, my only options are fleeces, the orange coat, or my barbour hunting jacket).

so i decided to go for it and made it my goal to find a coat. with jonas's help, i tried on every single coat in all of san francisco, and still wasn't able to find one that was just what i wanted. ugh.

i did get an awesome deal on this dress, though:



i'm going to a dinner this week that will be interesting, to say the least. i think i'll wear it then. probably with a fleece, since i don't have any other choice. even in marc jacobs, i'll manage to look disheveled. don't worry.

grace




last thanksgiving, i worked all day, and left around 3 pm to go home and rest. i was exhausted after two very long weeks of very long workdays, getting ready for beaujolais nouveau and thanksgiving. i think i was also fending off the flu.

when i was satisfied that everything would be alright at the restaurant, the cooks plated me up some turkey and everything else, and i got in my car to come home. i don't answer my cell phone at work, and half of the time i forget it at home (anyone who knows me knows that the thing looks like it's straight out of 1992), but i typically check it for missed calls and messages when i get into the car. i'd parked in someone else's spot, since she wasn't working on thanksgiving, and the sun was over the bay, shining into my eyes.

i had several missed calls, which was strange, and two from one of my brothers, which was even stranger, since my brothers rarely call me, and we'd just spoken a few days before on their birthday. there was a message from my dad, too. so i called back my brother, who was at work, and he told me that our uncle had a brain tumor--a glioblastoma multiforme, a tumor he was born with, the size of a golf ball or bigger. stage iv cancer. very aggressive. prognosis: one year, maybe 18 months.

(it is the terrible truth that cancer is so much more than something to worry about or be afraid of--it is something that will inevitably touch everyone's life. but it will never be easy for anyone to watch someone she loves be eaten away to nothing. i don't want to lessen anyone else's pain by talking about mine--simply put, this is something i need to do. i have a large family, entangled like the neverending branches of a banyan tree, and looking back upon our history from where i stand, it seems that pain and hardship are what have created the strongest bonds between us. i could be wrong, or just caught in a moment of negativity, but even in the limited experiences of my lifetime, difficult experiences are what have brought me closest to others.)

this year has, in many ways, been the first year i've had to be an adult. in many ways, it's been my worst year, and i can only hope that things improve for me and the people in my life.

i have always appreciated small things, and savoring mundane beauty has certainly become an important part of my vita quotidiana. this journal is above all a place for me to catalogue these bits of magic, and for that i am grateful.

thank you, universe, for my family and friends (my second family), for good health and delicious food, for doors that magically open whenever i know where i want to go (and for giving me the people who open them for me), and for beautiful art, books and music. thank you for my healing hand, with no permanent damage, and for tilden park, where i find myself almost every single day now. thank you for pizza. and ice cream. and thank you for every day you give my uncle, in the midst of his umpteenth round of chemotherapy, not too much better, but not too much worse, either.

handmade gift: marmalade and jam

apricot jam on the stove

, originally uploaded by

ciaosamin

.

june taylor blah blah blah. i'm not going to sit here and write out all of the reasons to love jt because we've all heard them before. i'm just going to say that i made a bunch of marmalades last winter using her (labor-intensive) method and they were the best i've ever made. it's a lotlotlot of work, but very worth it. and by the time i was done, i realized that she wasn't charging nearly enough for her jam.

this would be a very, very special gift for anyone. you can play around with the citrus choices--buddha's hand, blood orange, and pommelo are all a bit out of the ordinary, and could be wonderful. don't reduce the sugar amount too much, though, or your jam might not set.

and if you really want to be like jt, find someone to letterpress your labels for you.

*************************

june taylor's grapefruit-and-meyer-lemon marmalade

(from the nyt)

5 pounds grapefruit, rinsed

5 meyer lemons or small regular lemons, rinsed

1/2 cup lemon juice (from 2 to 3 additional lemons)

2 1/2 pounds sugar.

1. remove the grapefruit skin with a vegetable peeler. cut the peel into 1/8-inch slivers; stop when you have 3/4 cup. discard the rest. slice off the ends of the grapefruit and the remaining grapefruit peel and pith. remove grapefruit segments, reserving membrane. stop when you have 5 cups of segments.

2. cut the ends off the meyer lemons, deep enough so you can see the flesh. leaving the peel on, remove the segments of lemon and reserve the membrane. cut the segments crosswise into 1/4-inch pieces. put membranes from the grapefruit and meyer lemons in a jelly bag and tie closed.

3. in a wide and deep pot, combine the grapefruit segments, grapefruit peel, lemon pieces and jelly bag. add lemon juice and 2 1/2 cups water. simmer until the grapefruit peel is tender, 25 to 30 minutes. let cool.

4. preheat the oven to 225 degrees. working over a bowl in your sink, squeeze the liquid from the jelly bag; keep squeezing and wringing it out until you extract 1/3 to 1/2 cup of pectin. add pectin and sugar to the pot. place over high heat and boil, stirring now and then, until marmalade is between 222 and 225 degrees and passes the plate test. (spoon a little onto a plate and put in the fridge for 3 minutes. if it thickens like jam, it is done.)

5. meanwhile, put 6 sterilized 8-ounce canning jars and lids on a baking sheet and place in the oven. when jam is done, remove jars from the oven. ladle jam into the jars, filling them as high as possible. wipe the rims. fasten the lid tightly. let cool. if you don't get a vacuum seal, refrigerate the jam. makes 6 8-ounce jars of marmalade.

sources:

weck

--european canning jars

sks bottle

--a great selection of jam jars

june taylor jams

--if you're too lazy to make the jam yourself. you can also try

blue chair fruit

or

we love jam

.

lehman's

--more european canning jars